Blog Title: Daily Contempt

Run to the Light, Paris Hilton!

Frankly, I’m still trying to grapple with the notion of Olsen Twin pubes. OLSEN TWIN PUBES! ACK! I curse Hugh fricking Heffner for cramming that image into my head. It’ll never scrub out now, dammit. Never. Curse you, Hugh Heffner! CURSE YOU!!! Now his pecker will fall off. I’ve got wicked mojo. ANYhoozitz: ...

Patrick Swayze Dying? No Ghost Jokes, Please!

Patrick Swayze's not lookin’ too hot. Hell bells, to tell it true, the boy hasn’t looked too hot since 1984-ish, but how would I know that? I was barely even born yet maybe. But these days he’s looking especially not good. “To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar” not ...

Mick Isn’t Murdered, Plus! Big Bellied Bimbos of the Stars!

We’ve spent way too much energy scrutinizing celebrity paunches lately, don’t you agree? Way too much---glaring and staring at this or that bimbos belly, trying to figure out, clinically speaking, if there’s a baby crammed up in there somewhere. And what the problem is is these damn starletts these days. ...

The Olsen Twins + Nudity= Death!

Alright. I’m ready to talk about it know, I think. Pardon me if I break into hysterical sobs and run screaming from the room. Which I will. Thank you. Now, you see a lot of crazy shit when you report on the comings and alleged goings of that bizarre universe that ...

His Name Is Prince, And He is Elderly!

Prince, who is very weird, has been very weird a very long time apparently, because he’s old suddenly. So old, in fact, that he fell down, and he couldn’t get fun-kay. So he wheeled his weird and aged ass to geriatric services, and had his poor creaky old hip replaced. ...

The Tears of a Goldberg!

When Paris Hilton cries, the angels sing. It is fricking hilarious. When Whoopie Goldberg cries, it is not hilarious. It’s horrible. No angels sing. It’s painful to the soul. The tears of Whoopie cry can scar you for life. And what’s almost as horrible---maybe even more horrible, in some ways---is ...

Hello? Is this thing on?

Prison Junking, Boob Showing, Jake Lovers!

Fascinating things are happening! Pipe down and pay attention! I'm just kidding. You can pipe back up. I love it when you pipe up. Here's the "story": Amy Winehouses' husband just overdosed on the horse, the junk, the magic dragon (as it were) yesterday, and HE DIDN'T DIE SOMEHOW. You heard me. He. Didn't. ...

Jane’s Jai-Jai!

Listen! LISTEN! I command you! By the pink freckly nipples of Lindsay Lohan! I COMMAND YOU! This is IMPORTANT! Oh, wait. No. It isn't. It's just Britney fricking Spears…and she's flashing....her...revolting...lunchmeat-like...labia...lips...AGAIN. And of course it was all caught on film, like always, commemorated in celluloid forever for all future generations to enjoy. I am ...

The Gary Coleman Wife Bash, PLUS! Infected Scat of the Stars!

Now forgive me, but I swear that I was flipping through the channels yesterday and I saw something about Gary Coleman getting arrested for smacking around his new teen bride, but dammit! I can't find a word about the story anywhere! Weird. Please to note that this doesn't mean the event ...

Gary Coleman’s Impenetrable Man-Hymen!

In the broader sense, the universal sense, I guess it doesn't matter. Nope. Not a bit. We'll all laugh about it some day. And heck, in a hundred years, as they say, who'll give a crap? Right. The super intelligent cockroaches who will rule the earth then. They'll give a ...

Happy Belated Britney’s Snapped Day!

One year ago, Britney Spears shaved her head. It is the anniversary. Hooray.   Why did she do it? It's a valid question, I think. For really, that was the definitive moment---the moment her cracks began to show. Hacking her hair off in those big wet chunks with that look on ...

Good Boys and Shoplifting Hos. Why? Bai Ling, Why?

Something amuses me. Amuses me! And I'm relatively confident that it will amuse you too. So I am going share it with you. That's how much I love you. In the last, what? Six months? Six weeks? Six minutes? The celebrity headlines have screamed “REHAB!” and “JAIL!” and “REHAB!” ...

Jane Fonda: Takes One to Know One

Well, let's just have out with it: “C&nt”, that's what she said, and “c%nt” is what she meant.And especially for the benefit of you poor lost souls dangling under the tyrannies of office jobs, here it is again in your singular “Safe For Work” lingo: “C*nt”. C#nt. C%NT!" Yup.  That's what ...

The Grammys are Killing Amy Winehouse!

It's like, well, God or the Universe or whatever really wants to do two things. One of these things is prove my earlier point that drugs are AWESOME. (Not that I'd know personally, of course, being a devout Mormon girl. Vote Romney!) The other of these things is to kill ...

Did Amy Winehouse, or Didn’t She?

Do you wanna hear a rumor about a celebrity that is totally true? Are you sure? Awesome. Rob Reiner picks up migrant workers from the Home Depot parking lot and pays then to choke him in his shower. 100% true story.   Isn't that an absolutely fascinating complete fact?   Most complete facts are. ...

Is Anybody in Hollywood Not on The Drugs? Hellooo? Anyone?

Drugs. Well, they're awesome, aren't they? Of course they are. They must be. Totally awesome. Awesomest.   Awesomer, indeed,  than fabulous careers, fame, money, beauty, and teeth, otherwise how to explain Amy Winehouse? She's more famous for her drugging than her singing, and Evel Kneivel himself couldn't jump the jagged caverns in ...

Britny Brain Damaged and Secretly Drugged

I'm going to have to break my promise again. I beg your pardon. I am an Indian promiser. That's what I am. But it can't be helped, it won't be helped, I JUST have to say SOMETHING about BRITNEY freaking SPEARS! I can't not pay attention. And neither can you, ...

Paris Hilton Cries Me a River!

Well, I've calmed down, thank you for asking, and today is a bright and fresh new day. Let us embrace it by, as I promised yesterday, not mentioning, um, Princess Crazypants. Besides, if you don't think anything interesting is happening in the universe of celebrite except Bri…well, That Wretched GIRL…you're ...

Nothing About Brittney Spears or Eva Mendez or Kirsten Dunst, Dammit!

Is there anything happening in the world that is not Britney Spears, Britney Spears, BRITNEY SPEARS?   No? Well. I didn't really think so anyway. According to a source:  “In a heavy British accent, a ballistic Brit screamed (about her parents), "I'm so sick of all of this they can have the goddamn ...